The most awful phone I've used in 2024 is the Nokia 3210.

 With the Nokia 3210, where even do I begin? Not the first one, which was among the most stylish phones to own when the sequel to Star Wars: First Order — The Phantom Menace wasn't even a thing, but the most recent 2024 reissue that has emerged to rescue us all from the horrors of social media, digital overload, and the never-ending diversion that is the modern smartphone.

The torture device concealed behind this marketing-friendly act of altruism is so repulsive that I would prefer to watch several episodes of Jar Jar Binks and the gang futilely attempting to recreate the magic of A New Hope than to actually utilize it.

  The Nokia 3210 is that awful, truly.

Okay, let's clear up a few things. The Nokia 3210 is a fantastic first smartphone for your young child if they desire one. It's also excellent if you're looking for a phone with a long-lasting battery. If you're ready to pay the Rs 9,999 Pakistani Rupees or Rs 4000 Indian Rupees you can ignore contemporary technology entirely and just use it for calls and SMS.

I'm not sure who would want to buy it or why you would want to put up with the discomfort of using it outside of those use cases, though.

It's a little antique at first—you have to put in a battery before you can turn it on—but it certainly feels far more comfortable in terms of size, weight, and form than large, bulky contemporary smartphones like the Apple iPhone 15 Pro Max. The battery truly lasts for many days, but as soon as you turn on the phone, this ambiguously pleasant feeling of nostalgia (or discovery, depending on your age) vanishes.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!

When you first turn on the Nokia 3210, it will beep loudly and constantly, sounding like a censored YouTube video. You will be forced to listen to this for a while. There are no buttons, so you have to frantically search through the phone for a way to turn it off, and every beeping keypress serves as a constant reminder of your failure. The volume function, once you find it, has no effect. Its goal of making me never want to use a phone again was only getting started.

Unfit for 2024

There isn't any Wi-Fi here, and even in 2024, my area has a terrible 4G signal, so even when I'm at home, it sometimes has trouble connecting. I need WhatsApp because I live in the United Kingdom and it's required by law, however the Nokia 3210 doesn't allow me to install any apps. Its purported allure is that it lacks apps, so you can gradually wean yourself off of social media without completely cutting off. Very admirable, but why is there a pre-installed Facebook app?

 
It's a dumb choice, and if WhatsApp—the other Meta property—had come pre-installed, the 3210 would have been far more useful. I could genuinely stay away from Facebook and other social media and still stay in touch with my pals. Due to the lack of Wi-Fi, you are also unable to browse the internet without using the data on your network. Since you cannot use the Nokia 3210 on a complete smartphone plan with unlimited data (it is useless), this will become quite costly on a basic pay-as-you-go contract.

This is just one more "benefit" of the entire digital detox thing, according to HMD Global, the firm that now manufactures handsets under the Nokia brand. However, the majority of the content I look up on my phone is useful information rather than frivolous crap. The 3210 will swiftly penalize you financially if you're the same. But fear not—the screen is appalling. Although the 2.46-inch LCD is vibrant, it is nearly impossible to see in direct sunshine or from any other angle but front and center. The least of your issues will be trying to see a webpage.

Photo taken by the Nokia 3210, in all its 1600 x 1200 pixel glory

What more is there? It has a terrible 2-megapixel rear camera, the horrible Snake game that Nokia uses more than Mariah Carey's All I Want for Christmas is You in October, and you have to relearn how to type on an alphanumeric keypad. No, it's slow and irritating, not nostalgic.

Not sure to whom this is intended.

The Nokia 3210 seems caught between nostalgia and practicality, but it fails to convincingly serve either camp. It's not ideal for digital detox, lacking modern conveniences, and its design doesn't cater well to elderly users needing simplicity. Essentially, it's a nostalgic relic in a world where simpler solutions exist through modern smartphones.

When handled this way, the Nokia 3210 becomes a topic of discussion and is difficult to dislike. This is a delightful flashback to a time when social media and mobile technology were ever invented. It's perfect for use at gatherings where individuals who don't care about technology nowadays will remember their old one.

Well, if you really try to use the Nokia 3210 as your phone in 2024, then this old tech cliche will be fast forgotten. It's a historical curioso that, in all other cases, should be kept in the drawer where you put the original iPhone when it was released in 2007.